Category Archives: sport

Remembering the “Naughties”

Yes, that time has come again. A decade has come and gone, and it’s time to remember the things that made this past decade great. The following list is a collection of ten things that this author believes defined the last ten years.

#1: Wikipedia: Anyone who knows how to HTML code should make a page about me and this blog.

#1: Because of this handy little website, writing a paper or researching a project has never been easier. Before Wikipedia students had to aimlessly search for information on Google that was probably inaccurate or actually have to go to the library and open a book. Because of this site the library has been made a dusty relic of the past. In the next decade look for Wikipedia to begin advertising on food products and hosting college bowl championships and look for libraries to be converted into soup kitchens and shelters for the growing unemployed.

#2: ipods: Nothing says, "I don't want to talk to you" better than those white cords coming from your ears.

#2: Music had always been a big deal but unless we had all of our favorite songs on a mix tape on our Walkman we couldn’t take it with us. With the invention of the ipod we could bring our favorite music with us EVERYWHERE. This maybe would have not been a bad thing except for the fact that most people have a shit awful taste in music, and with the number of songs these ipods could hold that meant hundreds and even thousands of shit awful songs. In the next decade look for Lil Wayne and Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em ipods to appeal to peoples terrible fucking interests.

#3: Facebook: You should link my blog from your page. Also, Facebook is evil.

#3: Yes, where would we be without Facebook? Probably in about the same place only our grades would be a lot better, we’d be getting more sleep, we wouldn’t be taking as many pictures of ourselves and each other and we wouldn’t know if someone we hadn’t seen or spoken with since 11th grade could survive a zombie attack or not. Has our generation become addicted to Facebook? You decide. Also, join my blog fan page on Facebook. In the next decade look for Facebook to be purchaced by Comcast and all of our drunken debaucherous photos to appear on reality TV shows.

#4: Reality TV: Because there really isn't a better passtime than watching beautiful people doing terrible things for fame and ugly people doing terrible things for money.

#4: Do you know who William Hung is? Or maybe Kim Kardashian? Are you acquainted with the rest of Ozzie Osbourne’s family? Well, you shouldn’t be but of course you do because you don’t live in a hole or a cave somewhere and you own a television. Yes, since the new millenium reality television has become pretty fuckin’ popular but you’ll forgive this blogger if he’s lost track of the number of Big Brother’s that have aired on CBS. In the next decade look for not just shows about fat people becoming thin, but thin people becoming fat. Also, by 2020 more than 95% of the United States population will have appeared on a reality TV show and 45% of them won’t realize it until they see promos for ABC’s Hidden Camera Fat Asses.

#5: The 1980s: "Hang on I can't hear you let me turn my DEVO cassette off on my Walkman and put it in the front pocket of my blue and yellow checkered windbreaker. Yeah, those neon green Ray-Bans totally go with your gold Nike Kicks."

#5: Time is cyclical everyone says so I guess the 1980s came back around and hit the 2000s. Whether it was in the synthesized music playing at clubs and parties or on the radio or in the bright skinny jeans and retro shoes we wore to 80s themed parties it seemed as if a Molly Ringwald or Ferris Bueller lookalike was everywhere you went. Our interest in 80s culture could mean one of two things. One, that we are trying to be more in tune with the past. Or two, that we have mistaken co-opting a past generation’s culture as a way of shaping our own identities. It’s gotta be the former. In the next decade look for everyone to dress and listen to music from the 1990s. Then, in 2030 we will all reset back to the style of dress and music of the hunter gatherer societies of Mesoamerica.

#6: Energy Drinks: Now with more taurine. Don't know what that is? It's radioactive piss!

#6: Cocaine is illegal. But wait, no it isn’t. Yes, it is. But the energy drink Cocaine is available to drink today! Or is it? I don’t know if it’s been pulled for having insanely high levels of sugar or something. Energy drinks have been extremely popular because not only are they packaged with badass words and phrases like Citris Crunk!!! or Kronik or Pimp Juice, but they also taste like liquified candy with 10 times the sugar. Yes, energy drinks will give you energy, but only for about 30 minutes to an hour and then you crash very hard and your physics homework will never get done. That’s what the Ritalin is for. In the next decade look for energy drinks to get bigger and have more belligerent names like Shit Shake: You’re Literally Drinking Shit and Bitch Slap: It’s a Bitch Slap to Your Tastebuds.

#7: The Environment: What many people don't realize is that Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around... Comes Around" is actually a pro-environment song.

#7: The 2000s, unlike any other decade was ripe with pro-environmental messages and some of the strongest came from movie stars. Household names like Leonardo Di Caprio, Cameron Diaz or Sting would demand that we use fluorescent light bulbs or attach solar panels to our homes or take baths instead of showers. But there seemed to be an inconsistency with their demands. These people were flying jet air planes all over the world using tons of gasoline in the process or driving gigantic SUVs all over LA to get to their hair and nail appointments. Even the platforms from which they spoke such as Earth Aid were greater energy wasters than they were worth. We were wasting energy watching them tell us not to waste energy! In the next decade look for congress to passĀ  some of the strongest environmental laws yet making it legal for you to punch that self righteous street canvasser who works for the Sierra Club.

#8: The Steady Decline of The Simpsons: "Oh look at me Marge, I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happy Land and I live in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane. Oh by the way Marge I was being sarcastic."

#8: While this blogger is, and will always be a huge fan of The Simpsons from about 2001-2002 onward something terrible happened to the writers of this show. I don’t want to blame 9/11 but it probably didn’t help. Suddenly the jokes went on too long or weren’t funny or characters were brought back that clearly shouldn’t have been like the wives that Homer and Ned married in Vegas. An entire episode would be devoted to Marge or Lisa or even Professor Frink, which was a big mistake because he really only worked in small doses and even Mr. Burns wasn’t funny anymore. Now and again there will be a clever pop culture reference but episodes typically fall flat overall. Even more confusing was that “The Simpsons Movie” was actually good which leads this blogger to believe that there are two completely different writing teams and one still has Conan. In the next decade look for more of the same only each show will be 90 minutes long and done with live actors and there will be a reality show to decide who those actors will be.

#9: Tiger Woods: I never once saw a Perez Hilton or TMZ story about all of the majors he won.

#9: This blogger used to be a serious golfer. Not a seriously good one but still he used to play and watch golf a lot. While Tiger Woods was a seriously talented golfer who this blogger respected the talent of immensely, he always seemed like kind of an asshole. Now with the emergence of recent events which this blogger will not go into it has been proven that he is, is fact, not kind of an asshole but in fact a huge asshole who just so happens to be very good at beating a bunch of white guys and one Fijian. We all thought his personal life was boring as shit. We were wrong. In the next decade look for Woods to either decline interviews for the rest of his life and break the Nicklaus record of 18 majors and immediately retire or look for him to retire now and live as a recluse on an island somewhere with hundreds of women. The latter sounds pretty good.

#10: Bloggers: Don't judge us. You're reading our work right now.

#10: Was there ever anything more useless than someone’s opinion about something? Well, what if that opinion was written down somewhere, like on the internet and what if that same opinion was gussied up with pictures and links to other people’s opinions? Yes, bloggers are an interesting sort and chances are if you are reading this blog then you probably have a blog of your own or at least have had one at some point. Bloggers are just like everyone else, they seek validation for what they believe and if that means some crazy tirade about the Chinese, then sobeit. If that means making pointless top ten lists that works too. In the next decade look for bloggers to become sentient and to rise up and take on powerful political appointments. They will be tremendous speech writers but extremely lacking on the words into action side of things.

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Everything you ever wanted to know about a sport I don’t know anything about

Do you love screaming at the top of your lungs about nothing in particular? Do you like hitting things? Do you like enclosed spaces? More importantly do you like enclosed places with giant glass walls? If you answered yes to any of these questions then RACQUETBALL may be the sport for you!

But WHAT is racquetball? It’s really no more complicated than the title. You have a racquet, you have a ball. You swing at the ball with the racquet while screaming, the ball hits a giant wall, you hit the ball again. It’s just that easy!

"Woah shit, I'm literally climbing the walls. This is easily the most badass sport ever!"

But before you say, “Hey wait, there’s more to racquetball then screaming and hitting a ball.” You’re right! You also get to wear some way awesome clothing!

Sweat-bands: Because you'll be like super sweaty. Plus, if all that sweat from your Jew-fro gets in your eyes and on your hands hitting the ball and screaming will be way harder.

Goggles: No racquetball outfit is complete without a badass pair of goggles. They protect your eyes but more importantly, they make you look like a douchebag. Bonus if they are prescription.

Short-shorts: Nothing says "You're gonna get your ass kicked" like shorts that are so short your upper thigh is visible. Gay? No. Confident? Yes.

Team polo: If you really want the competition to shit themselves show up to your match with a bunch of your friends wearing the same shirt. Bonus if they're monogrammed with your name.

Shoes: If you're looking to get an edge on your opponent try to wear the brightest shoes possible and hope they'll be distracting. If that doesn't work jump around and point at your shoes a lot.

Now you’re almost ready to begin but you still need a racquet!

The racquetball racquet looks a lot like it's tennis counterpart albeit way more retarded looking like it was slammed in a car door or damaged when thrown at an opponent.

And BALLS!

The racquetball is soft and rubbery. But it still stings like hell when you get hit with one. Plus telling people you have blue balls will never get old.

So, now you’re all equipped and ready to HIT THE COURTS!

I'M READY

FOR SOME

RACQUETBALL YAY!

But first an instructional video:

Don’t you get it? Basically, one opponent stands in an arbitrary place and hits the ball at the wall, then the other opponent tries to return the ball while falling down because they get more points for this. When the crowd becomes sufficiently confused or disinterested one player pretends to miss the ball and the point is awarded to the other player.

If you’re still confused it’s just like squash.

DISCLAIMER: The author of this post is not interested, nor will he ever be in the actual rules of racquetball or it’s counterpart squash. Please do not inform this author as to the actual rules of either sport.

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Filed under culture, sport