Everything you ever wanted to know about a sport I don’t know anything about

Do you love screaming at the top of your lungs about nothing in particular? Do you like hitting things? Do you like enclosed spaces? More importantly do you like enclosed places with giant glass walls? If you answered yes to any of these questions then RACQUETBALL may be the sport for you!

But WHAT is racquetball? It’s really no more complicated than the title. You have a racquet, you have a ball. You swing at the ball with the racquet while screaming, the ball hits a giant wall, you hit the ball again. It’s just that easy!

"Woah shit, I'm literally climbing the walls. This is easily the most badass sport ever!"

But before you say, “Hey wait, there’s more to racquetball then screaming and hitting a ball.” You’re right! You also get to wear some way awesome clothing!

Sweat-bands: Because you'll be like super sweaty. Plus, if all that sweat from your Jew-fro gets in your eyes and on your hands hitting the ball and screaming will be way harder.

Goggles: No racquetball outfit is complete without a badass pair of goggles. They protect your eyes but more importantly, they make you look like a douchebag. Bonus if they are prescription.

Short-shorts: Nothing says "You're gonna get your ass kicked" like shorts that are so short your upper thigh is visible. Gay? No. Confident? Yes.

Team polo: If you really want the competition to shit themselves show up to your match with a bunch of your friends wearing the same shirt. Bonus if they're monogrammed with your name.

Shoes: If you're looking to get an edge on your opponent try to wear the brightest shoes possible and hope they'll be distracting. If that doesn't work jump around and point at your shoes a lot.

Now you’re almost ready to begin but you still need a racquet!

The racquetball racquet looks a lot like it's tennis counterpart albeit way more retarded looking like it was slammed in a car door or damaged when thrown at an opponent.


The racquetball is soft and rubbery. But it still stings like hell when you get hit with one. Plus telling people you have blue balls will never get old.

So, now you’re all equipped and ready to HIT THE COURTS!




But first an instructional video:

Don’t you get it? Basically, one opponent stands in an arbitrary place and hits the ball at the wall, then the other opponent tries to return the ball while falling down because they get more points for this. When the crowd becomes sufficiently confused or disinterested one player pretends to miss the ball and the point is awarded to the other player.

If you’re still confused it’s just like squash.

DISCLAIMER: The author of this post is not interested, nor will he ever be in the actual rules of racquetball or it’s counterpart squash. Please do not inform this author as to the actual rules of either sport.



Filed under culture, sport

2 responses to “Everything you ever wanted to know about a sport I don’t know anything about

  1. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

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